Wednesday, December 31, 2008
this is the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePatJIwB-sI
my excavation and today is kumran
Everything that happens is from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed
I keep throwing it down two-hundred at a time
It's hard to find it when you knew it
When your money's gone
And you're drunk as hell
On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks are your load
In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load
I've twisting to the sun I needed to replace
The fountain in the front yard is rusted out
All my love was down
In a frozen ground
There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed
And he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss
Whatever could it be
That has brought me to this loss?
On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load
In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load
This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be
Safe with me
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
my favorite things
Started at a summer lake,
A sentence and a name.
If only for a moments sake,
You called it and it came.
Held him down and let him eat,
longer then a while.
Hold it down and let him eat,
softer then a child.
We've seen how sick wind blows,
But I've got your bovine eyes.
And I'll love you like i love you when i die.
We've seen how sick wind blows,
But I've got your bovine eyes.
And I'll love you like i love you when i die.
Shot the rats and as they ran,
From the quarry to the track.
Chasing what i gave to him,
I never took it back.
Held it up in front the wind,
Blowing missing chime.
Found it, God, and begged him,
Fight your body back.
We've seen how sick wind blows,
But I've got your bovine eyes.
And I'll love you like i love you when i die.
We've seen how sick wind blows,
But I've got your bovine eyes.
And I'll love you like i love you when i die.
I believed he is the number one who wants to let you wonder.
We've seen how sick wind blows,
But I've got your bovine eyes.
And I'll love you like i love you when i die.
I'll love you like i love you when i die.
I'll love you like i love you when i die.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul
mr grinch. - eh, i'm not really feeling grinchy, don't worry. I am a little bummed that the money tree I planted hasn't yet produced fruit, but not quite grinchy. I did manage to crochet a baby hat last night- it is one of the cutest things I have ever made. Now to figure out how to attach the bear face to sew on the front. ;) it's the simple things, i suppose. Blueberry pancakes for breakfast, sleeping in with my husband, giving my doggies burritos for breakfast. Ah, this is the life.
I am a bargain shopper. I love to go to sales at the end of one season and stock up on things for next season. For example, last spring, I bought 2 sweaters at Old Navy for $3 each. And they were totally cute, with hoodies and elbow reinforcers. The problem is that now I have no effing clue where they are. I was really counting on these to be my new winter wardrobe as a family of moths somehow snuck in without me knowing and gobbled holes in all my nice winter clothes. ugh. And then of course, when I go check out the sales this year, it is as if someone exactly my size came in a bought up everything that would possibly fit me. So, I either have to gain more weight, or drop down to a size 2 in order to wear anything off the rack. Yes, I am being melodramatic. Sue me. These things happen.
Maybe i can crochet myself a sweater. Eh, maybe my ass.
I am a bargain shopper. I love to go to sales at the end of one season and stock up on things for next season. For example, last spring, I bought 2 sweaters at Old Navy for $3 each. And they were totally cute, with hoodies and elbow reinforcers. The problem is that now I have no effing clue where they are. I was really counting on these to be my new winter wardrobe as a family of moths somehow snuck in without me knowing and gobbled holes in all my nice winter clothes. ugh. And then of course, when I go check out the sales this year, it is as if someone exactly my size came in a bought up everything that would possibly fit me. So, I either have to gain more weight, or drop down to a size 2 in order to wear anything off the rack. Yes, I am being melodramatic. Sue me. These things happen.
Maybe i can crochet myself a sweater. Eh, maybe my ass.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
things i lost while sleeping
well, the puppies made it through, and now all the animales sleep inside. We are like one big snuggly family. Most of the time, anyway. The job has gotten easier, things are settling down, after the thanksgiving nightmare, and i have three days off in a row this week (two of which are with my husband.) But I'll be damned because i've been looking for my hammer all morning and just can't seem to find it anywhere.
I don't know why sometimes we seem to create problems for ourselves. They squeeze and seep their way up from the depths and wiggle into our life (which, by the way, has so much promise.) We aren't having to deal with problems like some of our friends and family have and are- no foreclosure, no cancer, and no annoying exes (those have seemed to drift into the woodwork as well, and i am thankful) at least we aren't dealing with these problems YET. But somehow, we find reason to fight, and to scream at each other, to keep things from one another, to forget how we promised just to be good to each other. I wonder sometimes if there is some ambiguous force that whispers to the subconscious and says "you can do whatever you want". And anyone out there who is married realizes, as i do, that this simply isn't so.
I'm learning daily what marriage is all about. I'm not saying I'm good at it, but I'm learning. Anyone who tells you that living together and being married is essentially the same thing is obviously still legally single. It is different. Things hold more weight and water than they once did. You are bound to another person, legally, intimately, emotionally- and not because you have to, not because you are related by blood, but because you chose to be. You stood in front of your nearest and dearest and swore to love this one person no matter what. Of course, half of all marriages end in divorce, so this may or may not actually mean anything. People give up all the time. But I don't want to be in the losing half of that equation. Truly, I don't.
I'm realizing that a lot of being married is an uphill battle. It's a constant struggle- made easier with lots of snuggling and learning when to bite your tongue- and when to use it.
It become blurred, this line between fucking and fighting, making up and making love; days turn into weeks and into years and then you look back and wonder how you made it so far- what magic got you through. When you squint your eyes and you just can't figure it out- I hope that when that happens, we can just remember that first promise we made to each other, that secret promise in the dark that night, when we're struggling so hard, pulling our own direction as far as we can pull, when the hammer is just beyond my reach and I'm still stretching, i hope we can remember just to try and be good to each other, nothing more- then i think we'll make it after all.
I don't know why sometimes we seem to create problems for ourselves. They squeeze and seep their way up from the depths and wiggle into our life (which, by the way, has so much promise.) We aren't having to deal with problems like some of our friends and family have and are- no foreclosure, no cancer, and no annoying exes (those have seemed to drift into the woodwork as well, and i am thankful) at least we aren't dealing with these problems YET. But somehow, we find reason to fight, and to scream at each other, to keep things from one another, to forget how we promised just to be good to each other. I wonder sometimes if there is some ambiguous force that whispers to the subconscious and says "you can do whatever you want". And anyone out there who is married realizes, as i do, that this simply isn't so.
I'm learning daily what marriage is all about. I'm not saying I'm good at it, but I'm learning. Anyone who tells you that living together and being married is essentially the same thing is obviously still legally single. It is different. Things hold more weight and water than they once did. You are bound to another person, legally, intimately, emotionally- and not because you have to, not because you are related by blood, but because you chose to be. You stood in front of your nearest and dearest and swore to love this one person no matter what. Of course, half of all marriages end in divorce, so this may or may not actually mean anything. People give up all the time. But I don't want to be in the losing half of that equation. Truly, I don't.
I'm realizing that a lot of being married is an uphill battle. It's a constant struggle- made easier with lots of snuggling and learning when to bite your tongue- and when to use it.
It become blurred, this line between fucking and fighting, making up and making love; days turn into weeks and into years and then you look back and wonder how you made it so far- what magic got you through. When you squint your eyes and you just can't figure it out- I hope that when that happens, we can just remember that first promise we made to each other, that secret promise in the dark that night, when we're struggling so hard, pulling our own direction as far as we can pull, when the hammer is just beyond my reach and I'm still stretching, i hope we can remember just to try and be good to each other, nothing more- then i think we'll make it after all.
Monday, November 17, 2008
pupcicle, anyone?
I'm off for the next two days. I think we might go to Atlanta to see our friend's new baby for the first time. Little Ashland. ;) I'm worried about the puppies, though. It is supposed to go down to 28 degrees Tuesday night. The dogs have been delegated to the backyard for a few months now, and although James bought them each their very own awesome dog-loo, Juicy is scared to get inside. I really don't want to come home to a couple of pup-cicles in my backyard. ;(
and then there was one
She's like a yo-yo. Up and down. Up and down. I don't know where she's goin. Barely where she's been. I wanna know, yo. I can't control her. Can't see how she works. Don't know why she just keeps rollin along. She's like a yo-yo. Up and down. Up and down. I can't see inside her. Can't see what makes her work. I just keep pushin and pullin. She's like a yo-yo.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
lunch
Whole Foods Market freshly made margarita pizza-$2.99
Tax------------------------------------------------------$0.27
My beloved employee discount----------------------($0.66)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Total price of my lunch--------------------------------$2.60
The joy of paying for your lunch entirely in coins: priceless
Monday, November 10, 2008
it's been a long time.
I haven't posted anything on here for quite a while. I think after the pinata posting, it didn't really feel right putting serious thoughts on here as well. I have since changed my mind about that.
A lot has changed for me. I am married now, and very happily married, at that. I have a new kick-ass job that I love- that allows me to be creative and to take the reigns. It challenges me daily, and I love it.
My friendships are evolving and changing. Some for the better, and some for something else. Is this a simple fact of life? I'm not sure. So many things get in the way. Some things just don't come as easily as they once did. Perhaps this is because as we age, our priorities shift. I feel closer and more in tune with James than ever, and farther apart from some of my old friends than ever before. I know this is partially because between the new demanding job and the new loving husband, my schedule has fewer gaps than it has ever had. But I also know it is due to something more. My opinions on what that 'something more' consists of changes daily.
My family and I have a great relationship, but I don't see them as much as I should. Part of this, again, is the lack of gaps. And part of it is something else. I've always been different than my family. I'm the 'black sheep' or the 'hippy'. Lovely, I know. It marks how much of me they don't quite get. They have continually struggled to understand me and my past behavior. It makes sense, after all, since I never admitted some of my hardest struggles; some struggles, however, I have shared openly and honestly. Of course my family loves me very much- unconditionally. But I do sometimes feel like its hard to relate, and harder for them to relate to me. The emotions that fill me, instinctual and social, are powerful. And the sadness that can accompany this plethora of emotions is hard to explain- especially to those who, no matter how much they love me, cannot empathize. Sometimes my sister's off handed comments demonstrate plainly, and painfully, how far removed she is from me.
She isn't heartless, she is overwhelmed by her own difficulties. And perhaps that is the problem we all face. We can't see the forest for the trees. I tend to take things personally, even when other peoples' actions, or inactions, have nothing at all to do with me. It is so easy to focus on what's in the foreground- to become so overwhelmingly absorbed in your personal here and now. It is a horrible thing to feel so far away from other people- to feel so clueless, and to have no one in the picture to explain it to you. It makes so much sense to place the reason on the shoulders you know best: your own.
So if I realize all this, if I see the pain I exacerbate pointlessly, then why isn't it something I can easily amend? I don't know the answer.
Here's something I do know: The sun wakes me in the morning, radiating warmth through the layers of covers on my bed. The beams start at my toes and inch methodically up my body. Every morning it's the same routine. When the light finally reaches my face it stands at attention, refusing to budge. When I surrender and rise, I see from the window my sweet pup asleep in the first light, his chestnut fur shining. I smell the musky sweet perfume of coffee, and hear the rustling of James' newspaper. I am happy here. Maybe this is all I need.
A lot has changed for me. I am married now, and very happily married, at that. I have a new kick-ass job that I love- that allows me to be creative and to take the reigns. It challenges me daily, and I love it.
My friendships are evolving and changing. Some for the better, and some for something else. Is this a simple fact of life? I'm not sure. So many things get in the way. Some things just don't come as easily as they once did. Perhaps this is because as we age, our priorities shift. I feel closer and more in tune with James than ever, and farther apart from some of my old friends than ever before. I know this is partially because between the new demanding job and the new loving husband, my schedule has fewer gaps than it has ever had. But I also know it is due to something more. My opinions on what that 'something more' consists of changes daily.
My family and I have a great relationship, but I don't see them as much as I should. Part of this, again, is the lack of gaps. And part of it is something else. I've always been different than my family. I'm the 'black sheep' or the 'hippy'. Lovely, I know. It marks how much of me they don't quite get. They have continually struggled to understand me and my past behavior. It makes sense, after all, since I never admitted some of my hardest struggles; some struggles, however, I have shared openly and honestly. Of course my family loves me very much- unconditionally. But I do sometimes feel like its hard to relate, and harder for them to relate to me. The emotions that fill me, instinctual and social, are powerful. And the sadness that can accompany this plethora of emotions is hard to explain- especially to those who, no matter how much they love me, cannot empathize. Sometimes my sister's off handed comments demonstrate plainly, and painfully, how far removed she is from me.
She isn't heartless, she is overwhelmed by her own difficulties. And perhaps that is the problem we all face. We can't see the forest for the trees. I tend to take things personally, even when other peoples' actions, or inactions, have nothing at all to do with me. It is so easy to focus on what's in the foreground- to become so overwhelmingly absorbed in your personal here and now. It is a horrible thing to feel so far away from other people- to feel so clueless, and to have no one in the picture to explain it to you. It makes so much sense to place the reason on the shoulders you know best: your own.
So if I realize all this, if I see the pain I exacerbate pointlessly, then why isn't it something I can easily amend? I don't know the answer.
Here's something I do know: The sun wakes me in the morning, radiating warmth through the layers of covers on my bed. The beams start at my toes and inch methodically up my body. Every morning it's the same routine. When the light finally reaches my face it stands at attention, refusing to budge. When I surrender and rise, I see from the window my sweet pup asleep in the first light, his chestnut fur shining. I smell the musky sweet perfume of coffee, and hear the rustling of James' newspaper. I am happy here. Maybe this is all I need.
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